Leadership Tools 9- Managing Confidentiality

Are you barking up the wrong tree?!?

Working with teens is a tricky thing.  You want to earn their trust, but there is a fine line between earning their trust and forgetting that your primary responsibility is to keep them safe.  And yes sometimes keeping them safe means breaking confidentiality.  After 14 years in ministry I know that at times it can be trick and that each situation is needs to be handled differently, but there are some basic guidelines to help us navigate these tricky times.

"So I've been smoking with some friends lately." James tone seemed to indicated that he wasn't talking about cigarettes.

"You mean you were smoking pot?"
"Yeah."
Then a pause. "Wait, are you going to tell my parents, come on I trust you, your not going to tell my parents are you?"

How might you respond to a question like that?...
Do we tell the parents right away... Do we work with the student in hopes they will tell their parents?... Do we find some medium? Wait I know we pass it off to the pastor and walk away right!?! ...

We all know that as youth workers, we aren't to take the place of parents, but to help them raise their children. We are to partner with parents but also advocates of youth.  Would I want to know if my kids were smoking pot or drinking? Of course, but what role does confidentiality play? Are we bound by legality or morality to break confidence in a situation like this?

After being in ministry for so long, it may just be me getting older, but it does seem like even the good or church kids these days are finding it harder and harder to stay away from temptation. It is not in our benefit or the benefit of the students for us to tell about everything that we hear, word will get around quickly that "you can't open up to the youth pastor—he'll just squeal." But if we sit on information about a student engaging in illegal or dangerous activity, something worse could happen.

Pastors are legally protected in ways that even licensed therapists are not. Your state may have different laws, but generally speaking, the courts encourage parishioners to be open with their ministers. Of course, common sense tells you that if you know of or suspect abuse (emotional, physical, mental, sexual, neglect or any other kind) or the imminent threat of students doing injury to themselves or another, the proper authorities should be contacted immediately. Having said that, it's often hard to figure out what to do with the information students offer you that falls into a gray area.

The reality is that James isn't in any immediate danger by smoking pot a few times, but it's also clear that he's making neither a legal nor a healthy choice. And it's only a matter of time before this poor choice could lead to much more dangerous ones. And what about students cutting themselves, not to attempt suicide, but as a means of self-mutilation? Each crisis situation has its specific dos and don'ts; but generally speaking, what do we do with the information presented to us?

We need to establish trust and verify what is going on. Allow the student to confide in you but be upfront with them about what your obligated to share.  Don't hide the fact that in the case they reveal abuse, injury to themselves or another, or something illegal that you will have to report it.  Ask the student if you can do bring another adult into the conversation.  This will allow you to better support the individual and remind the youth you have the best interest at heart.  Let them choose the person whom can partner with you on helping such as a small group leader or other trusted adult.  Respect the youth, elevate them up, provide them with resources, and advocate on their behalf.  One can have a conversation with the parents without disclosing any information.  Asking about home life, school, friends, family and other things that may be causing the teen to act out.  All the while encourage the youth to share with their parents or other adults so that they have a bigger support network.  

A Tip is to share what your experiencing with the teen with another adult on anonymity.  You don't have to confide who it is, just ask for their feedback on the current situation.  That person can keep you accountable and remind you to follow up.  If it is something that requires reporting then do it so immediately and let the teen know you are required to do this for their protection and others.  Take them to your supervisor and share with them the situation.  

It's not easy... but hopefully this helps. Below is a document we give to all our leaders going into more detail about confidentiality.  




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